my little love

21.07.2023

Song: Vienna – Billy Joel

Hey Merto,

I’ve been relentlessly watching videos of you lately. You know, it's mostly you wearing that innocent smile, while speaking to mom, oblivious to the darkness that awaits you. I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going to have to go through such hard times. I want to give you the biggest hug and never let go. I want to speak to you, give you little tips on how to deal with everything, not that it’s ever going to get easier.

I sometimes imagine myself holding your hand when I’m on the street, showing you around, and you’re just in awe. It’s funny because you can’t even speak English, and everything is so big and new to you.

Not a single day goes by where I don’t think of you. Every little achievement that I have, I dedicate it to you. You deserved so much better, and I couldn’t give that to you. Mert, I’m sorry that I left you in the dark, that you have to go through all of this on your own. I’m sorry the world has failed to protect the tenderness inside you and that it will claw at the light within you. I should be there for you, protecting you from everything. I think about these things at night before I fall asleep — things I wish I could actually say to you.

Things like ''darling, I’m watching over you, don’t you worry.''

Life has forever been an unjust entity. I apologize for my inability to rectify that injustice for you. All I want is to witness your smile once again, to see you dance with unbridled joy, your radiant smile illuminating your face, your crooked teeth and all. How are we so different, Mert? You’re not going to believe it, but I’m envious of you. You’re so kind, and you have so much love to give. You don’t judge; you love waking up early to have breakfast, and you drink milk way too much. I wish I could say you grew up to be the exact same version of yourself, only wiser. But I can’t. I am sorry, so deeply sorry. So many apologies, I know.

If I could turn back the hands of time, I would protect you from the harsh realities that await, and I would fill your world with the love and tenderness it so desperately lacked. But time, relentless in its march forward, robs us of such possibilities. All I do now is cry, cry, and cry. I’m sorry that I can’t even be brave for you. I want you to know that I’m trying. This is me trying. I’m trying for you.

Oh my love, all those tears you will shed… The sleepless nights you’ll have. Confused, lost, scared… One day I’ll make sure you’ll get a real apology, but for now, I’ll just think of you and cry away.

Love you always.

-M