hold no grudge

12.12.2021

Song: Stoned at the Nail Salon - Lorde

Spent my late teenage years being mad at bunch of somebodies. Just tried to push some feelings away and kept them locked inside, whether it was my sexuality or my identity itself, but God, wasn’t that tough. Every day just felt like a war. I walked around so angry at the world, but I was really just battling with myself. I had to move forward somehow. I think that’s something we all do, whether it’s a stupid assignment or an exam or simply just ‘’a breakup’’. We just try to ‘’move forward’’. What other choice do we have anyways? Cause there isn’t really a place for people that can’t move forward in this world. I can’t seem to find that almost perfect place. Can you?

I held so many grudges. Thought of making a list of people that I hated. I despised them because I would keep seeing something in them that resembled something in me. I would hate them even more because they would own the trait they have and live peacefully with it, or at least It seemed that way. That was enough of a reason for me to hold grudges.

You would think by the time the snow fell in South Yorkshire; I might’ve done some growing up. Hey mom, look at me I’m almost 22. I will sing that stupid, addictive Taylor Swift song very soon. I might have done some growing up, I said, right? Cause I'd hate the idea of dragging an anchor from my past into the glaring lights’’ of my future. But wrong. I didn’t grow up, not enough to stop holding grudges, at least. It made me feel insane, almost abnormal noticing that. But then I realized something only I can recognize because of my astonishing ability to realize such things. There Is no such thing as normal. It’s a stupid word; it just does a lot of damage. I don’t need that, nobody does.

So, for the ones who did their growing up, congratufuckinglations, you did it. You are slightly better than the rest of us. The ones who still hold them grudges tight as a rope. We will start letting it go one day. Maybe not today. I’m okay with that. Are you?

-M