'tis the damn season

27.11.2021

Song: Landslide – Fleetwood Mac

The time has come. I’ve recently been to the Christmas Market with a friend of mine. We went on to the Ferriss Wheel and had three tours, and every time we reached the top, all I could think of was (except for the classic Ariana Grande song ‘’Santa Tell Me’’ playing in the background) that I had changed so much in 2021.

I was talking to my therapist about how changing environments terrified me because I always thought that whenever I meet a different person, I would feel like I was going through this door, and right before going on, I would pick my rumpled personality files from this huge folder to be more amusing to that specific individual. That always terrified me. At one point, I remember telling myself that I don’t know who I was anymore because essentially, I was familiar with who this human being was, but I felt like I was watching myself in a play in front of an audience; doing everything in my power to seem interesting and making them laugh, make them not despise me. I would get mad at myself afterwards if I told a punchline wrong or made someone uncomfortable while frivolously giving my all to make a bunch of 18-year-olds to think that I’m a ‘’funny, cool guy to be around’’.

I was still being me in a way, though. We’re all willing to go that extra mile to make ourselves feel as though we’re slightly more special than someone else, sometimes without realizing it. By the time it's midnight, we find ourselves watching random YouTube videos in our room and think to ourselves, did I act differently today, did I change myself for anyone, did I bend backwards for that validation that I somehow so desperately needed?

The main issue here is knowing yourself well enough that those questions won’t give you this pain in the neck anymore. It's an adventure. It strongly challenges you as it confronts you with your darkest fears, self-doubts, and uncertainties.

On the journey, you question how you live your life and whether it's in alliance with the person you deem you are now.

Take it from a law school dropout, if you don't yet know your highest purpose or what you're capable of or basically just don’t really know who you exactly are to you or to other people, allow yourself in that space of not knowing. Just slowly try to figure out what you like about yourself. One day when you’re 25 or 45, You will find that purpose, eventually. Or maybe not.

But one thing is for sure: when you know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal because it shows that when you're healthy, sometimes fitting in isn't about the destruction of yourself, but the validation of helping others feel at home with you. That's the whole point.

As I blew my candles for my 21st birthday cake, I came to the conclusion that our personalities are interchangeable and unimportant and will change by themselves without any attention, just as time flies. But by the time you know what parts of you, you like to keep and what parts of you are essential to you, you can change everything else without causing any wickedness. And then It does not matter if changing yourself in question is for pleasing others or

…for somehow

………..getting free drinks?

Merry Christmas. ‘tis the damn season, folks.

-M