what i've been up to

18.07.2022

Song: Ylang Ylang - FKJ

left Sheffield a month ago. Finally got out of the city. God, it's been such a long time since I last journaled. I don't even know If I have it in me anymore. I'm still going to give it a shot though.

I've been reading a lot, taking notes of little things I do wrong, and sending e-mails to myself. I started going to the gym and playing a lot of video games. I'm falling in love with coffee again after years of not even having a sip. I'm listening to new albums - listening to them as I'm lying on sand and watching kids make sandcastles by the beach - I take the train a lot; it's a place where your phone tiptoes around consciousness and you are compelled to spend time alone with your thoughts in order to figure out what needs to be reorganized or reshaped in your life. On trains, I have had many epiphanies. For me, the most profound insights have come to me while driving through the countryside and gazing out at a golden rapeseed field, reflecting on what I'm leaving behind or what I'm about to approach. I'm supposed to be happy, calm, and ready for next semester.

But it's been a conflicting one. This is the loneliest I've been in such a long time. I spent my early high school years being a lonely kid, but this feels different. Back then, there was a bunch of us. Now everyone seems to have found their place.

For the longest time, I pretended like I was fine with being lonely – probably like the rest of you are still doing- I was very open about it to people. But as I was telling people how I was better off being by myself, there was this vivid moment when I was talking to my former therapist about it. I was telling her, "no, sincerely! I don't mind. I don't want to be friends with these people anyway." (talking about people that I haven't even known for 2 seconds).

She said," Do you think you may be isolating yourself from people even more so that you can tell yourself you're fine being on your own." For many years, those words remained imprinted in the back of my mind like a post-it note that I was unable to remove. They lingered there like a discussion you had overheard your parents having in a hushed tone but that you knew was very significant, even if you couldn't comprehend it.

Medication, therapy, counselling, I've tried everything, and I can't seem to figure out a way out of this; I can't crack the code. I mean, I get that we are nurtured from the moment we are born. We become self-sufficient as we mature. Then suddenly, we are "strong, self-respecting" people. Then we think, "Hey, now is the time to return to love, compassion, and community. Not because, like babies, we require it to survive. But it's because, deep down, we're all babies. We simply enjoy each other's company. Love is something we "like." Sure, we can live without it, but sooner rather than later, we even unintentionally seek out, appreciate, and maybe even admire all forms of connection. It's human nature.

When I have long, lonely nights when my worries creep over my brain like cockroaches and I can't get to sleep, I try to think of all the good things people have explicitly done FOR me. It was so much easier when I was in middle school; the little game became a bit tedious after a while, but the main problem is that it also got shorter. I exerted all of my effort to reminisce about the moments when I had been loved and to recall what it was like to find shelter in someone's arms. There was nothing; it was blank. The pathetic irony is that I claim to have this greatest circle of friends around me, and I'm cared for deeply, yet I can't name one thing that can get me through sleepless nights. My deep-rooted fear of independency never helped me; I always had to think of other people's actions or thoughts to move forward. Maybe that's where the problem starts.

P.S. this is the first time since I've started this blog where a piece feels like a diary entry rather than something to please an audience; I don't know how to feel about that yet.

-M